Well, I said back in March that I was planning to re-evaluate where I am, where I'm going, what I'm doing next, around this time. Originally planned for mid May, but that wasn't a very good time for me, so I postponed it for a week to figure out what direction my life was going in before I made any decisions. Glad I did, because things are definitely better, but definitely... not what I need them to be.
Am absolutely heartbroken to have worked as hard as I did to once again manage to be "not good enough." I wanted so badly to have been ready by now to pursue other life options, but the truth is, I have more work to do in terms of myself and my mental health than I either I originally anticipated, I didn't work hard enough or more things piled up that I want addressed before I go forward with other stuff. I have a horrendous feeling it's probably that one in the middle... even if it is, though, it doesn't matter. How I didn't meet my goal isn't the issue, the issue is that, one more time, I fell just a little short of what I meant to get done.
Despite the failure, I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. Maybe because I knew it was coming. I knew I hadn't managed to get the things done I needed to by the start of this month and knew there was no way I'd make up for the lost time/unfinished business before the time I picked to evaluate my progress and determine what I'm doing from here on out. I guess I had a suspicion this was going to be how mid-to-late May was going to turn out and I subconsciously accepted that, dealt with being not good enough... again... and kept moving.
Which is more or less all I can do right now... keep moving in the direction I have been and work even harder than I already did... which would be less daunting if I had slacked off and not thrown everything I had at this only to learn it wasn't enough to topple the tower. I put everything I had into getting this right, and everything I have isn't enough... or not enough for right now. Or ever? Shit. Shit shit shitty shit.
Oh, well. What's the other option? Quit? I'm not a quitter. (....?) Except I am, I guess, at least when it comes to drugs.
Then being a quitter is cool. Joking aside, (gotta laugh, my babies, or I'm going to cry), I'm just going to stay on this course. It isn't that I've made NO progress, I've made a whole lot... just not enough. I absolutely hate having to stare that particular demon of mine in the face, but what else am I going to do? It's probably more of a matter of timing than some inefficiency or slack-assery on my part. I can't control time. Would love to, but can't.
And my scanner is, indeed, dead. Add that to my To Do List; buy a new scanner, then beat the living Hell out of the old one for defying me. Something to that effect.
Hope you're all doing well. Despite the road blocks I've just encountered, I did make a lot of progress I probably shouldn't overlook. I earned the rights to boast about the things I have managed to get beneath my belt and the notches in my lipstick case, so to speak, I may as well cash in on them. For as bummed as I feel right now, at least I don't feel like garbage. I've come a very, very long way, the fact I didn't get there in the frame of time I allotted to get it done isn't indicative I can't do it at all. I just... couldn't do it between the beginning of March and the later part of May. And dudes, that isn't really a whole lot of time to start off with. Maybe I was unreasonable or overshot my expectations and that's why I'm here now. Or, rather, not there. Fuck, where am I?
I need to sit down.
I'm already sitting down...
Shit shit shitty shit.
God love you, I do.